Jayadev did not like his colleague Bala because Bala would never share his work with others. Be it sharing about what he was working on or the work itself. Bala would finish his work and share it directly with his superiors. This set Jayadev off. In fact Jayadev hated Bala.
Days went by. Jayadev grew frustrated.
Step back and look at upsets. There are many kinds of upsets. There is the kind where you get sad, the kind where you are angry, the kind where you are heartbroken, the kind where you are depressed and so on. Many to list.
Whatever upset we are upset about, we want to get out of it.
In that direction, we are going to look at one kind of upset – the kind which takes too long to get out of, the kind when you don’t know why. This upset annoys because it persists. And its hell when you don’t know the reason.
After couple of weeks, Jayadev confronted Bala on his `misdoings`. Jayadev asked Bala – “Why are you not sharing your work with the team? Why are you keeping me in hostility?” Bala was surprised and shocked to hear this from Jayadev who was his close friend.
Bala replied “Nothing has changed. I am doing things the way I do normally.”
Jayadev didn’t like it.
That evening he went to meet his mentor. He shared how selfish Bala had been and other events in detail. His mentor listened to it all and finally asked –
“Tell me Jayadev – why are you really upset with Bala?“
And Jayadev repeated everything again. His mentor waited for him to finish and asked again –
“Jayadev, listen. I really want to hear the real reason!”
Confused, he left the place.
It was dark and he was walking alone in the deserted road. He started thinking.
His thoughts raced and then after sometime slowed down. After going through everything that had happened it hit him – Bala was always like this. Bala did what he did in this particular way. It was just his feelings that was not right.
So why was he upset?
Normally like Jayadev we stop there and continue to stay upset. This upset shows up for sometime, then goes, sits in one corner of the mind. Later becomes a pattern, then becomes a way of life. We think we have forgotten, but it rarely happens. Anything about Bala, Jayadev will always stay uncomfortable.
The nature: Upset is always the result of some kind of resistance, some kind of denial to what is.
There is your morality and there is you. When what is right (according to you) is not want you feel like doing or not what you are doing, then there is a fight. The internal fight. You are upset.
With both sides equally strong in the Tug of war, the center of the rope is a bad place to be. Tension will be at its peak. Your morality fights your nature. Your morality does not wants to see the ugly truth.
Morality is about right and wrong. We are in that horizon more often than we think. And I think I understand and probably would be better at talking about morality. But it is hard to think about and talk about nature.
You see, the problem is of the morality. The idea of right and wrong becomes your idea and your identity. Your natural being is clouded by the right/wrong.
Your strong attachment to what is right against what your nature is, limits you.
Nature does not know the correctness or the wrongness of the matter, it simply is. It simply exhibits what it exhibits. This to many of us is a problem because we don’t understand it. And the more we try to understand it, the more stronger is our inclination to fix the right and the wrong. Back again to morality.
The above paragraph is ambigous and could not be understood. Because that is what it is. Natural with no `right` understanding.
And if you haven’t yet figured out – Jayadev was jealous of Bala and instead of looking at it and finding himself at fault, he saw faults in Bala.
Jayadev getting jealous of Bala – is it wrong? No. Unnecessary, but definitely not wrong. Because that was Jayadev’s nature. He felt jealous. Period. Nothing right or wrong about it. And Jayadev’s idea that it is wrong to feel jealous is the entire problem.